Food Doesn't Heal A Broken Heart

Tonight was my second weigh in, not surprising to be it was a very small victory, just .4lb on the scales.  This was a rough weekend.  It was rough because I am a stress eater, I don't overeat I just tend to make very poor choices when I'm upset, stressed out, hurting...emotional.  To say I was emotional this weekend wouldn't even begin to describe it.

We are all aware that Friday morning a horrific and tragic event took place in Newtown, CT.  26 people were gunned down inside an elementary school, 20 of the victims were 6 and 7 year old 1st graders.  Words can't be summoned to aptly express how this event has effected me.  I'm heartbroken for those babies who's lives have been cut short, devastated for the families left behind of not just the victims but the survivors.  Those children who lived through this event will forever be scarred by its trauma.  I have been crying since the news hit Friday morning and I doubt I will stop anytime soon.  This is especially hard for me because of how close to home it is.  My baby, my son, is turning 6 this Thursday.  With unruly hair and a missing front tooth, my child will be celebrating his birthday tomorrow at a local bounce house with almost everyone of his classmates.  I will take every bit of control I have to get through it without thinking about those babies who will never have another birthday.  Without looking around at the 20 screaming, shouting, goofy kids and thinking......this could have been them.  At the same time, feeling a little bit guilty that my family is whole, will celebrate birthdays and holidays, that I can yell at my kids for fighting or leaving toys out to be stepped on.

So I made bad choices.  I fell back on old habits and tried to let the food heal my breaking heart.  It doesn't work.  In the end it just adds to the emotion of guilt, that I ate the cookies when I shouldn't have or didn't track anything at all on Friday.  I didn't start out with the intention of making this such a sad and emotional post.  I suppose its therapeutic to get it out in words what I've been thinking and feeling.  I went to the gym tonight and did 50 minutes on the elliptical and it made me feel good, something I needed to lift me back up a little bit.  I've got a plan mapped out for this week and I'm going to do my best to stick with it.

First Weigh In!!!

That's right people!  This girl here lost 6lbs her first week!  WOOT WOOT!!!!  I can only say that this is the BEST first week weigh in I've EVER had.  Staying on points was so easy and I love seeing how many calories I'm burning on that elliptical every time.  Who knew I would enjoy exercise and I know that it is going to make my weight fly off so much faster.  I am so glad that I started in December too because I won't have to make 'lose weight' my New Years resolution, I'm already doing it!  This year I'm going to find something new to challenge myself to ;)

So, its a short one today but that's okay, I have celebrating to do!!!!  (I'm buying myself some new workout clothes!)

Nearly 1 week down

I am doing fantastic!  I'm so proud of myself, I've jumped in with both feet and am taking off.  The food part is easy, it should be since I've done it a bazillion times.  I made it to the Y 4 times last week and that is what I'm proud of.  3 of those days were 45 minutes on the elliptical and one was weight training with our trainer.  We have a few free sessions with a trainer and we're taking full advantage of them.

I'm really looking forward to Monday night.  I've worked harder this first week than I ever have and I'm excited to see what the scale says.  At the same time I'm being realistic and keeping in mind that when you start working out your muscles tend to retain water, its part of how they repair themselves and build up, so if its just a teeny loss I'm okay with that because I know it will catch up eventually.

Who knew I could do that?

So, I've decided to try and get to the gym 4-5 days during the week and then take the weekends off to recoup and relax.  We'll see how this pans out in the long run.  I have been EXHAUSTED every day and have taken a nap most everyday this week after working out.  I'm looking forward to that passing and the big burst of energy to carry me through the day.  I'm trying to make sure and eat a protein snack within half an hour of my workout to help with that.

So, I guess that's it.  I don't have much to say, just 2 more days until that first weigh in and I can't wait!

Starting On The Right Foot

I have started WW many many times, and had success a couple of times, but I've never EVER done it along with exercise.  Sure I did a free 6 week trial of Curves and really liked the feeling of having accomplished something, but that evil E word never really happened.

This time around I'm starting things off right, with EXERCISE!  Steve and I joined the YMCA when he got back from his deployment and part of the membership is 8 free weeks with a trainer to learn how all the machines work and to set up a good workout routine.  I started doing the bike and quickly found out that I got a much better workout on another one of those horrid E-words...the ELLIPTICAL!  I tell you I was scared to death of that thing, heard horror stories etc and once I started doing it I LOVE IT.  Okay well nobody loooooves working out but I love the feeling of pride and 'hell yeah!' that I get when I climb off all shaky kneed and sweaty.  Not to mention the huge amount of calories you burn!

Side View before pic (all sweaty, ewww)

Before Pic front view

It's not pretty but it feels great!  This was me, yesterday, after 45 minutes on the elliptical.  I thought about cutting it short around the 20 minute mark. Told myself that 30 minutes was still a great workout and it was a good start after being gone from the gym for so long.  However, when 30 minutes rolled around I kicked myself in the butt and make myself keep going...GO ME!

I am doing great with my food, have my gym time all planned out for the week and am feeling so positive about this!  Oh and my girl is helping me with my first 'habit' of not leaving the house without a healthy snack, she brings me clementines every time we start to leave lol.  Thanks babe ;)

healthy snack with my girl after working out!

A New Beginning

So here we are, closing out 2012 and I find myself starting a journey that I've taken before but never reached the end of.  I joined Weight Watchers tonight...for the umpteenth time.  I want so badly for this to be it, the one that sticks, the one that changes my life.  I could have cried like a baby when I stepped on that scale and saw 298.8 BLAZING back at me.  How did this happen?  How did I ever let myself get to this point?  Little over a pound away from 300 pounds?  I felt a little part of me die in that moment.

 It's okay though because my internal paramedic got out the zapper pedals and shocked that little part back to life.  The part of me that has in some way given up on myself, on being thin and healthy and sexy.  The part that says, 'its ok if you didn't take a shower today, haven't worn make up in 5 years and ate the kids gummies when they weren't looking!  You are a stay at home mom, you deserve those gummies!'  Well guess what little part of me, its not ok and we aren't giving up and we start today.

It good, a good good good thing.  I'm not setting long term goals just yet.  I don't want to fall into the trap I always set for myself of 'hoping' to reach a certain goal by a certain time and when I don't make it I sabotage myself.  Nope, not gonna do it.  5lb, that is my first goal.  5 little pounds...I can do that!

Here's to a new year and a new attitude!